Were you brave or did you cry?

I am ignited by stories and journeys and paths.  I love the ones that are different. I appreciate people who are not afraid to live brave.  To live inside out.  But I find I'm often fearful. 

Sometimes when I write, my inner critic comes to the surface.  I start to write, but then I question that thought.  Don't write that.  I fear.  

Writing I've heard is a place to bleed.   So I sometimes bleed my thoughts.  Thankful I have thoughts to bleed. 

Somedays I have way more questions than answers.  The answers don't come like I want them to.  But I love that God is using the broken parts of my life along with the parts that are somewhat put together.  

My 3 year old granddaughter asked me a question the other day.   She said "Ama, were you brave or did you cry?  I think maybe Ellie was learning her own lessons on being brave.  But she was also teaching me.  

It made me look at my steps of faith.  My steps of courage.  When we enter onto Jesus path we find that it's mostly opposite of what we've probably thought.  

When I think I deserve an "I'm sorry" Jesus says "just forgive......seventy times  seven."  Really. That's a lot.  

When I want to hear a "thank you."  He says wake up each day with a grateful heart anyway.  It's ok if you never hear those words. 

I remember as a stay at home mom.   I longed to hear the words "your doing a great job.  You are raising awesome kids!    You can do it."  

I guess a cheerleader would have been great on those days that seemed to never end.  Those days of doubt and fear that I'm messing them up.  

But that didn't always happen.  No cheerleader showed up at my front door.  At least not at the moments I thought I needed one. 

It takes courage every day.  Were you brave or did you cry?   As we talked, Ellie and I, we realized its ok if you cry.  You're still brave!  Maybe being brave and courageous look different than we thought. 

Maybe it's about waiting patiently.  Maybe it's finding grace in the dark.  Maybe it's about seeing the small graces that inhance our lives every day. 

Maybe it's listening to a little child who asks a thousands questions.  Maybe it's being ok when I don't get what I think I deserve.  

And maybe it's about being someone's cheerleader. When they least expect it.  

Psalm 27:14Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

I pray, "Lord, let us walk with courage.  Let us live inside out like you.  Let us wait patiently for you."

Ellie.  My little teacher. 

Lessons from the back of a motorcycle

We took off on a 8 day trip on our Harley into the mountains of Tennessee and North Carolina.  We wore layers for the brisk autumn chill.  

The sun was glorious and the sky was a Caribbean blue.  The days had a beautiful crispness to them like taking a bite out of a tart apple. 

As we traveled along the masterpiece of beauty and color, His creative works did not go unnoticed. 

The autumn colors were Gods beautiful palette.  I felt more than once that we were riding into an artists autumn painting.  

As we passed through the mountain valleys our eyes couldn't help but look up. Our gaze was always drawn to the top. 

The road was edged in stately trees beckoning our adoration.  The majestic mountains were unnumbered with miles of mountain peaks layered in brilliant shades of blue.  

I was learning that I needed to keep looking up.  Each day was an invitation to be amazed.   We even spotted an eagle circling the tops of the trees.  

God would remind me this is what I want you to do everyday.   Looking upwards is a daily lesson.  When I'm looking up and leaning in, I'm strengthened by grace. 

The journey became my place of grace. 

As I found my eyes in an upward gaze my heart kept calling me to worship.  It didn't matter.....worship came easy, a place to say thank you. A place for a grateful heart.  

It seemed I'd been to church.  

We were on a road that had so many bends and turns that my hands gripped tightly as I struggled to relax.  I was learning with each bend in the road that I had to trust.  I had to trust my driver.  I was totally dependent on my husbands motorcycle skills.  Thankfully they were very good.   

With every bend I had to lean when he leaned.  We never knew what we'd find around each curve.  But it was more lessons for me.  

There would be new reminders each day to trust.  It was with each bend in the blacktop that I would remind myself of the many blessings that I had. 

I think I may have even heard the chorus of "how great thou art" through the roar of the motorcycle. 

The things you learn on the back of a motorcycle. 

Lean in.

Look up.

Trust.

Be amazed.

Have a grateful heart.

Yes. I'd been to church. 

First we have coffee.

For some reason. I woke up this morning missing my mom.  I haven't felt that sting in a while. She's been gone 3 years now.  But I think about her pretty much everyday. Usually it's with a heart of celebration.

Today was different.  I felt a sadness. I wanted so desperately to call her.  I just wanted to unload.  I needed a landing place for my struggles and frustrations. 

This morning I felt i had no place to land my pain.

Her and my dad were my strong towers. It was in the many crazy, tough moments I would call them.  They would show up in person. Or at least in prayer.  I always knew I could rely on them and their prayers for me.  

They loved to be a part of our busy lives in even the smallest of ways.  

Mom carried a heart of grace with her. Especially for her 4 kids. She was my quiet tower of strength.  She wiped my tears more than anyone.  She was my landing place.  

Although today I know she's not able to answer her phone.  But I begin to unload anyway. I know God can handle my frustrations. My brokenness. My heart that hurts.  

He becomes my landing place.  My grace place.  I unload and he doesn't judge me. He wraps his grace arms around my heart and soul.   I need the comfort.  

I feel the grace, like it was my mom.  She offered grace more than anyone I knew.  

I stop for a few minutes at a little cafe.  This place reminds me of her.  My Norwegian influence is represented here. I sit with my coffee.   My moms motto. First we have coffee.  So I take a few sips. I feel moms grace arms.  They belong to the one who's grace is sufficient.  

As tears stream down my face I'm trying to listen to the spirit speak.  I glance over into the corner of the cafe.  I see a beautiful couple in their golden years bowing in prayer.  I cannot hear their prayer.  But I feel it.  It's a beautiful reminder of my mom and dad's prayers for me.  My grace place!  

I sense grace arms wrapping me in that moment.  My heart rejoices.  I realize my grace place becomes filled with his presence.  I try and wipe my tears.  But I think it's ok to cry.  Tears are refreshing.  

I'm learning that he never wastes our pain.  He uses it for his glory.  He still uses my moms heart of grace in me.  She reminded me without words how to offer grace to others.  Even when it seems impossible.  His grace is enough. I'm enough. 

First we have coffee.  Drinking in His grace.  

Thanks mom!!  

Grace, for someone else.

Grace takes it's place in our lives.  It's often we become grace to someone else.  I'm always surprised by that.

Surprised by grace. 

I think for most of my life I've doubted His grace. I really doubted that he would use my small offerings.  That he would choose me.  I'm soft and broken. I'm not always faithful.  I don't see beyond my small world.  I only think about my failures.  I fail and I think ive just ruined everything.  I doubt a lot.  

Fear gets a strangle hold on my heart.  I'm often crippled.  

I begin to see Jesus use my failure.  

I can't believe it.  It makes me love Him more.  

The last few months have been a beautiful constant surprise of grace. 

I've had more opportunities than ever before.  But I wonder did I get it right. Than He steps in and says. I've already  got it right for you.  I'm perfect so you don't have to be.  Our failures become his strength. 

I've had many holy moments.  Beautiful holy moments.  I've had the privilege to share my story.  Gods story.  The place where grace grows me.  My grace place.

Learning as I share life with broken women.  They grow me. Their lives intersect with mine.  We all are changed. It's all grace.  He begins to strengthen my home built by grace.  Moment by moment. Grace upon grace. 

My grace story deepens when I jump in the pit with someone.  Why God do you want me to jump in?   Fear grips my heart. But I know it's the right thing to do.  But I question him, "are you sure I'm the one."  I can think of a hundred better choices. 

The pit is ugly and deep. It seems far away from where God is. I wonder if He see us in this place.  I feel insignificant.  I pray a lot. I begin to think that I know less and less.  God strips away all of my devices that I try to use.  Than I feel his arms.  Grace shows up. 

My friend offers me wisdom.  She says what are three things you like about yourself?  Ummm I can't think of a one.  I wonder if I even like myself.  Why would I?  I see my failures and mistakes and my broken stuff.  I only see weakness instead of strength.   I fail to look at my worth.  I wonder if others struggle with that.  

I feel bad I can't answer her question.  She than answers for me.  She has a long list for me.  But I'm blind to that.  Than I realize God used her to remind me.  Grace takes it's place.  

While I'm in the pit with someone. I put my grace arms around them.  He gives me grace arms for the moment.  I begin to feel strong.  I feel their pain. It changes me.   I see grace in a new way.  I know he's in the pit with us.  His significance changes me.  I pray it changes them. 

We live life together.  We share our broken places.  We grow together.  Our hearts mingle. God smiles. I smile. We begin to heal.  We heal together.  Grace changes us. I'm glad he lets me be a part of their lives.   

When i reach out to them, I sense God is doing the work.  Im glad God has called me beyond my abilities.  I remember He doesn't call the equipped but he equips the called.   I experience grace.  Those holy moments change me.  

I'm reminded that when I'm weak I am strong.  He didn't give up on me.  I won't give up either.  

There is not a better place to live.  I'm so glad that I've been able to experience the rhythm of Gods grace.  

Marbles, marriage, and Gods grace !

It was in the early 60's,  I was playing on the playground behind a 2 room school house.  I remember the day well, because it was my birthday.  I was turning 7 years old.  It was a cool but sunny day in March.

A cute little boy walked up to me that morning. We had been playing marbles.   Everyone carried their drawstring bags filled with colorful marbles.  Those were proud moments as we challenged one another to marble games.

I looked up and this little boy stood holding his hand out.  He handed me 7 of his bright and shiny marbles.  Representing my turning 7 that day.  I noticed in his hand he only had 5 left.  He wished me a happy birthday.  

I remember taking the marbles and slipping then into my little drawstring bag. I think I was taken back, but my 7 year old marble loving self was happy to have a new friend.  

He gave me more than half of what he had. 

That afternoon I told my mom that a little boy on the playground had given me 7 marbles for my birthday.  I told her that he liked me,  In fact I said I think he's in love with me.  I thought my Mom was going to die on the spot.  All she could say was "oh my goodness it's already begun."  

I was 7. 

Yes it had begun, this little boy who shared his 7 marbles with me, would become my husband. 

He would pursue that little blonde haired girl for the next 12 years.  She finally said yes.  She wasn't so quick to see a future but he sure did.  He never stopped pursing her.  

He still pursues me today.

We have been married now 39 years.  I'm thankful for a man who never stops loving me.  

I think a lot about love that pursues.  

Altho we have had our share of struggles, mistakes, failures, arguments, pain and loss.  Love wins. Grace wins. 

I realize when I have no answers to the broken things in our lives.  God speaks and says "choose love."   Love always wins.  He conquers with a love that knows no boundaries.  

I'm still learning a lot today.  Altho I get it wrong many times.  Grace has become our landing place. 

I don't want to miss those holy moments.  

It's often messy and complicated.  Often answers don't come. Understanding is sometimes far away.  

But I've learned a few things along the way.  That is, when I choose grace mingled with love, we both win. 

Marbles brought us together.   Grace continues to do it's work.  While love covers the rest.  

July 31st 1976 

March 23rd 1964

A dream repurposed.

I remember when I first became a parent,  I was just 21 years old.  I wondered how life could get any better.  I was in love with the hopes and dreams of starting a family. Even though it was overwhelming at times I knew I was born for this.  Motherhood for me came fairly easy.

We would have 4 children in 13. 6 years.   We spread out our family.  I often wondered why we did that.   Quite often I thought I'd be raising kids into eternity.   It certainly wasn't as easy as it looked. 

But we were living in many ways the American dream.  Successful business, a beautiful home, a growing family.  I was grateful and blessed. 

God would continue to bless us as we watched our son Justin marry Stefanie and begin their journey together.   

Soon Jayden would bound into our lives like a little bulldozer.  He was full of smiles and energy.   

He would change our names to Ama and Bubba.   We loved our new title.  Life was wonderful and we relished in this little boy.  He changed our lives.

A few years later Jaydens little sister would capture our hearts.  Brooklyn's beautiful blonde curls and blue sparkly eyes would melt everyone in her presence.  The blessings seemed to overflow. 

But life changed dramatically as we watched the hopes and dreams that Justin and Stefanie had for their family come crashing down.   A diagnosis of Sanfiippo syndrome would puncture what we thought was a blessed life.  

Those were painful days as we all landed with our faces in the dirt.  We would literally bury Jayden and Brooklyn's future.  Sanfilippo syndrome a severe disorder offered a very short life.   The painful words that followed made little sense and were painful to process. 

This was not a part of my dreams for my family.  I had no place for this pain.  I would break beyond what I thought I could handle.

I wanted to rescue my kids and their pain.  Isn't that what parents do.  But I couldn't even navigate my own.  It was more than I could manage.  

No where in my simple dreams did I ever give room for pain or suffering especially when it came to my grandbabies.  

Where is that avenue to navigate?   I couldn't see one in front if me. 

My dad would pass away at this time as well.  It felt as though God was stripping me away.  My hero in the faith and favorite prayer warrior was gone.  Now at the most painful time of my life, the one I depended on was not there. 

I knew this burden was way too heavy for me to carry.   I sensed in that moment God repurposing my life.  I would begin to see Sanfilippo syndrome as a picture of grace.  It took time.  

The hand of God was evident as I watched Justin and Stefanie step out in faith and learn to navigate a very difficult path with special needs children. They inspired us as we struggled to make sense of this new journey.

Grace quickly became my place to bury my sadness and grow my faith.   Grace would iuminate meaning in a dark hallway.

God over time began to redeem my own pain.  He began to open up my heart to a new passion.  He's given me a deep love for broken people.  

But had Sanfilippo not entered my life. I would never have been able to do what God has called me to today.  Jayden and Brooklyn's diagnosis was the foundation to which God would show us how to give grace to others and help them see their own repurposed dreams. 

He is repurposing all of our pain  day by day as we walk along side of broken people. 

We stumble onto each other's paths. 

Sometimes we cry and bleed and laugh.   

He calls me beyond my capabilities to shine himself so others can see.  But he is the one who equips.  

It's often clumsy, messy and broken. But  

God in his plan has shown us his grace brick by brick.  Through the filter of Sanfilippo syndrome, I'm able to love beyond my imagination. 

He continues to remind me of the blessings of repurposed dreams.  It was his plan all along.  

Brooklyn. Our sweet bee!! With a smile that melts everyone in her presence.  

Jayden. At work. Our sweet beautiful boy!! 

The prayer I almost didn't pray!

I remember as a little girl growing up, hearing my parents praying.  I would often wake in the early morning to their prayers wafting in my room.  Many times I saw them on their knees.  They were prayer warriors.  I thought this was normal.

 I often wonder today if those prayers they prayed for me have been  somehow stored up for my life today. 

I can't say I carried on their prayer warrior habits so well.  

A few months ago I found myself saying a prayer tho that caught me by surprise.  I felt the sting of fear come over me.  I hesitated and wanted to think about all the ramifications first before I prayed. 

Maybe today wasn't the right day.  Maybe I should pray differently, not that prayer.  Prayers sometime scare me.   I fear the uncertain.  Although we've had plenty of uncertainty.

But I also wondered if maybe God might answer. And I knew I was ill equipped.   

My faith was weak and I knew it.  

I remember sitting in church that morning It wasn't clear to me of the significance of this prayer.  But as I prayed that morning, I prayed with new hope.  Maybe for the first time God said your ready.  

Because I know we're always being prepared for something new.  

Gods purposes prevail when the door of our heart swings wide open. 

I have seen God work in our lives in the last few years through the brokenness we'd experienced.   We would certainly say we'd received many blessings. But there were still many unanswered prayers.  I know there will always be unanswered prayers.

I have seen Gods grace.   Grace would show up in unexpected ways. Like in our 2 grandchildren Jayden and Brooklyn who have Sanfilippo syndrome.  God would remind me day after day that his grace resides in the broken. 

 I wanted to run to the broken. I wanted to experience grace. 

I would see grace in a scrabble tile.  He would take a small offering I had and increase it beyond my wildest dream.  That scrabble tile equaled $10,000.00 toward a beautiful home for Jayden and Brooklyn. 

Grace would again be apparent in a precious young woman who came and lived with us.  She came with a lot of pain and struggle.   I would be reminded again Gods grace is most recognized in our lives when we entertain the broken.  

Maybe sometimes we jump in the pit along side of them.  Because for some reason God had shown us the way out and we now knew the direction.  

God keeps reminding me that grace isn't  about us getting it right.  But it's more about our mess and brokenness that God takes and redeems to use in unexpected ways.

As I felt this prayer sweep over me,  It was a combination of things that led me to pray a new prayer.   

Bob Goff was speaking at our church.   I had just finished reading his book Love Does, it was perfect timing in my life.  I went believing that God was going to speak. 

My prayer was simple. Not complicated I just prayed "open my eyes Lord to the broken people around me.  Let me see them in a new way."  We had been surrounded by brokenness and we certainly had experienced our share.

I heard a whisper that said you need to hear peoples stories.  They need to hear your story.  They need to know that their stories matter.  

Sometimes God calls us to stumble onto each other's paths.   So that we can bleed with each other. 

I felt an affirmation that morning when Bob spoke that I hadn't ever felt before.  Sometimes we just need to be told that we can do it.  For me it was go love people who are broken like me. 

Bob also would remind us "you already know enough!  What's stopping you."

I had been sensing for sometime a restlessness in my spirit.  I had been wafting about with this prayer, but this day it changed for me.  

Thanks Bob for being the conduit to remind me to love differently.  That love does things. 

I'm glad God chose to unsettle me that morning.  I know now that it was the right time to pray that prayer. 

I had always believed the lie thinking  I would never know enough for God to use me.  Somehow I needed more knowledge.  That somehow perfection came into play.  And I knew I was far from that.  Perfection seeking completely crippled me. It kept me from doing things. 

No more perfection!  Just stumble onto one another's paths. Let God use our messes and imperfections and broken stuff.  

Pray the prayer that unsettles. You never know how God will change your life.  

 Like Bob says go love someone.  You know enough.   It may change your life.  It did mine.  Amen.