You will stand again!

2 Samuel 22:34

He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain 

heights. 

As I sat with tears streaming down my face, staring at my flooded basement, the memories of things and places washed over me.  As I looked around, all I could do was stare in disbelief.  Where do I even begin?   This mammoth cleanup was the last straw.  I sat in the middle of the mess and just sobbed.   

It was on the same day, a dear friendship I had been in had ended in a terrible way.  It had left me reeling, filled with deep sadness and hurt.  I was completely broken and undone.  The faucet of tears wouldn't stop.

As I stood in ankle deep water of pain and loss, God showed himself to me.   He reminded me of a passage of scripture in Habakkuk 3.  Its not often I find myself opening the bible to Habakkuk.  But the old testament prophets prayer was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.  

It was years earlier, a dear friend shared this passage with me.  "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.  He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,  He enables me to tread on the heights."

As I sat in silence, those words began to take root in my heart.  Somehow in the midst of the water soaked pieces of my life and this broken relationship I could still rejoice.  I could find joy in a flooded basement.   

He led me back to all the beautiful ways He had met me during the building of our relationship.  She was without a place to live and struggled to make sense out of her life.  I kept seeing Gods grace and direction through the months of my sharing with her how God meets us right where we are.  In the midst of our pain. 

My own words were now exactly what I needed as I sat in this puddle of grief. 

God was gracious to me in that wet and soggy basement.  He said "I'm refining you."  He took my act of obedience and was making my feet like a surefooted deer, as he called me to keep climbing. The terrain was rocky but he was strengthening me.  He would help me stand again on new mountain heights. 

Was this really how God was ending this friendship? Where was the pretty box tied with the bow. There was nothing tidy about this.  But He was showing me the path to rejoice.  My family and friends offered me love and encouraged me to keep climbing.  

As we offer God our basement experience He passes it through the waters of His grace and love.  We can believe that He will make us surefooted again.  Standing on the heights!  That's what I'm going to do!  

Just show up!

It was a cool November morning, I was in the delivery room when I went flat lined.   I have no memory of the next moments but my husband reminds me.

The little anesthesiologist gave my husband a forearm shiver to the chest, to get to me.  She got my heart beating again.

Our baby boy was born by c-section a few minutes later.   As I knew nothing about what had happened, I sat in a daze staring at our beautiful baby.  Our quiver was now full, actually it was over flowing.   He was our caboose.   #4. 4 and no more was our new motto.    

But I woke up the next morning to sharp horrendous pains.   I could hardly move and wondered if I would live to see another day let alone raise my now full quiver.  

Nurses were beginning to hover.  I had no idea what was wrong.   But the terrible pain took over and I knew I was in deep trouble.   The feeling of utter helplessness completely consumed me. 

As I think back to that time,  I was almost absent from my body.  My body was reacting to something but I had no idea what.  

The following day was Thanksgiving day and the pain only continued to get worse.   My doctor called in a specialist.  In between rounds, the gastroenterologist swooped into my room wearing his beautiful festive sweater.  He was obviously dressed for a thanksgiving feast.  He checked my vitals and the look on his face said it all.  Fear over took me.  

With a grim look, he said "this is one sick patient."   He yelled "we are taking her into surgery now!"  He took off his ready-for-thanksgiving-dinner sweater.  Off we went into emergency surgery.  

That was 25 years ago.

When I woke from surgery I was groggy and frightened.  I found tubes coming out of me in every unlikely place.  

As the darkness fell around me that evening, my spirit was depleted.  I was sick and scared and in great pain.  The blackness of my heart consumed my thoughts.  As I laid in the eerie silence of my hospital bed,  I wondered if I was going to live or die. 

While the night lingered on, fear surrounded me and the echo of my own heartbeat was almost more than I could take.  Tears began to flow down my cheeks.  

A night nurse peeked in my room.  She noticed I was still awake.  She came in and sat down next to my bed in the dimly lit room.  

I remember she had a gruff exterior but she spoke love and truth.  Her wise demeanor spoke grace.  We talked about life, babies, children and God.  My memory of her exact words has faded.  But the words she spoke began to stitch me back together.  I believe it was more about her presence than anything.  She just showed up.  

God knew what I needed in that moment.  I see it was His presence that sustained me through those incredible dark nights. 

That room became for me a sanctuary of grace as I sat in fear and wonder about my future.   Hope began to seep into the crevice of the night. 

He sent an angel in a night nurse to show up for me.  

It's taken me 25 years to put these words down.  I've reflected on the story but somehow never understood its meaning. I realize now maybe it's about showing up.  That's it. 

It was 9 days of intense pain and struggle to get well.  But God blessed me with healing and new life.  He took a dark night of the soul and refreshed it with His presence in an uncommon way. 

Gods reminder to me is that His dwelling place is in us.  No matter how sick or broken we may feel, that's where He resides.  In me.  In us.  In a kind nurse who just showed up. 

When we show up for someone, He does too.  

 Psalm 26:8

I love your sanctuary, Lord, the place where your glorious presence dwells.

Tyler is 25 years old today!  Happy birthday to him.  

When there is no happy ending

2 Samuel 22:34

He makes me as surefooted as a deer, enabling me to stand on mountain 

heights. 

As I sat with tears streaming down my face, staring at my flooded basement, the memories washed over me. As I looked around, all I could do was stare in disbelief. Where do I even begin? This mammoth cleanup was the last straw. I sat in the middle of the mess and just sobbed.   

That same day, a mentoring relationship I had been in ended in a terrible way. It had left me reeling, filled with deep sadness and hurt. I was completely broken and undone. The faucet of tears wouldn't stop.

As I stood in ankle deep water of pain and loss, God showed himself to me. He reminded me of a scripture passage in Habakkuk 3. The Old Testament prophet’s prayer was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment.  

"Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. He makes my feet like the feet of a deer. He enables me to tread on the heights."

As I sat in silence, those words began to take root in my heart. Somehow in the midst of the water-soaked pieces of my life, I could still rejoice. I could find joy.   

God led me back to all the beautiful ways He had met me as we built that mentoring relationship. She needed a place to live and was struggling to make sense of her life. I kept seeing God’s grace and direction through the months of my sharing with her how God meets us right where we are, in the midst of our pain. 

My own words were now exactly what I needed as I sat in this puddle of grief. 

God was gracious to me in that wet and soggy basement. He said "I'm refining you." He took my act of obedience and made my feet like a surefooted deer, as he called me to keep climbing. The terrain was rocky but he was strengthening me. He would help me stand again on new mountain heights. 

Was this really how God was ending our relationship? Where was the pretty box tied with the bow? There was nothing tidy about this. But He was showing me the path to rejoice. My family and friends offered me love and encouragement to keep climbing.  

As we offer God our basement experience, He passes it through the waters of His grace. We can believe that He will make us surefooted again. Standing on the heights is our only option. So let's keep climbing. 

Grace is the light at the end of the day!

As I look back on 40 years, I have to admit,  I can hardly remember my wedding vows.  But I do remember one line the pastor who married us, said.  

As we stood face to face, young and in love, nervous and excited in our beautiful wedding white.  Waiting for those words "you may kiss the bride".  The pastor stood proudly handing us our rings.  He said repeat after me. "As this ring has no end neither shall my love for you."

As a 19 year old I was pretty sure I knew what that meant.  I remember repeating those words and meaning them.  But we were young.  How could we really know?  

Over the years those words would come back to me.  Sometimes like a brick being thrown through a window.  

We would learn.  

It would be through struggle and sacrifice.   

Through laughter and tears.  

Through hard work and play.  

Through broken hearts and mended souls. 

Through building homes and growing relationships.  

Through enjoying vacations and forming friendships.   

Through the quiet and the chaos 

Through the messy and the joys. 

Through worship, prayer and church experiences. 

Through doubt and fear.  

Through feast and famine.  

Through gain and loss.  

Through accidents and broken bones.  Through babies and bottles.  

Through teenagers and cars.  

Through heaps of laundry to empty nest.  

We would often learn the hard way and at times things would come easy.  

Today, 40 years after we said our "I do's," it seems we say less words because we're pretty sure what the other is thinking.  

We've learned to extend grace.  Not that we always do.  But that's our desire.  

We've learned to laugh more.  Sometimes laughter is the best medicine.

We're learning to choose compassion over comparison.  That's not always easy.  

And did I mention sarcasm.  We may use it on occasion.  Ok maybe more than on occasion.  It works for us.   Let's face it sarcasm is sometimes the language of love. 

From long walks on the beach to motorcycle trips.  From date nights to small groups.  We look for our groove.  We seem to breathe the air of spontaneity.  

Do we get it right?   Sometimes yes, sometimes not at all.   We no longer look for perfect or right. 

We look for grace.   Grace wins.  

Grace has changed us.  Struggle has changed us.  Pain has changed us.  Perspective changed us.  Life changes us.  

Wisdom comes. Our corners are softened. We mellow with the seasons.  We become less fretful and more grateful.  

We begin to see the good in the hard. Sometimes the right in the wrong.  The simple in the complicated.  

We see Gods hand in the broken parts and the put together parts.  

We know that God redeems and grows and renews.  He brings beauty out of ashes.  Growth out of struggle.   Grace out of the mundane.  

The rings we wear remind us of Gods endless love.   When we felt we weren't enough, He stood in the gap.  He kept the circle for us.  

The experiences we've shared, the family we've raised, the places weve been. 

Indeed it is a beautiful inheritance!! 

Psalm 16:6.

The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.  Indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

Yes!  Grace is the light at the end of the day! 

          July 31, 1976

40 years later!!

Our family.  

My fathers lunch box.

I was wandering through an antique store just recently with my friend Chelsea. I think for us our hearts are stirred by things and memories.  I'm glad she asked me to go.  We are kindred spirits when it comes to seeking treasures.  

My thoughts began to stir and my memories surfaced as I lingered over those long forgotten treasures.  

But it was a particular lunch box that caught my attention.  It immediately brought me back to my childhood.  I remember my dads lunch box was a worn, rusty, silver metal box.  I still see it sitting on the 60's formica counter.  That lunch box carried for me more than just its intentions.   

It represented consistency, loyalty, security, family, love, happiness, commitment.  It represented stability, hard work, perseverance and a man who loved to eat. 

I wondered how a simple metal lunch box could take on so many characteristics.  But it did. 

My dad was graciously committed to his family.   He died 6 years ago this month. 

But his memory continues to linger in my heart in a celebratory way.  So when I spotted this lunch box in the antique store, I had to buy it.  As a sweet memory and reminder of my dad, of his faith and hard work. 

It reminded me of my blessings of a happy childhood, of a committed father and husband to my mom. 

I can only imagine the many lunches this box carried for him, from my mom who made them faithfully each night.  

As I thought about that lunch box it brought me to the story about the little boy who offered his lunch of 5 loaves and 2 fish to Jesus. It was all he had.  But he gave what he had been given.   Jesus took his offerings and blessed them and multiplied it to feed thousands.  

My dad although he lived on a very small pension, he was rich.  And what he didn't need he gave away.   He gave from his heart.   He gave kindness, time and wisdom.  He gave a chuckle and a good belly laugh on a daily basis.  He gave away his faith like it was the most valued gift he owned. 

As I thought about that lunch box, altho I payed a very small amount, to me it was priceless.   It contains a reminder of my childhood. A reminder of what faith, grace and commitment look like.  A reminder of Gods ability to take a simple lunch and feed thousands.   

God is faithful. He may give you a simple lunch but when he blesses it. It may feed more than you know.  

He may give you simple words but maybe He'll feed many with those words or just one.   

He may give you a kind heart and with that truly love beyond your ability.  He may give you finances to share.  Then do that with a heart of gratefulness.  

Maybe He asks you to give grace at a time when it seems hopeless but it may be what satisfies.  

Whatever He may give you, it's ok if you give it away.  He may even multiply it!! 

So thankful for a father who gave what he had and allowed God to multiply it. 

 

Matthew 14:17-21

"We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they answered.

“Bring them here to me,” he said.  And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over.  The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.

1965. Visiting my dad at his job.  

Finding grace in the messy moments.

I have to admit I really don't like being messy.  Although it at times is a common occurrence.  I struggle making sense of things when everything is in disarray.  I get bogged down.  

But life is messy.  So in a real sense I've become more inclined to find a place of peace and joy in the broken distractions and messy stuff.  

Because it is joy in the messy that  I need and hunger for.  

Christmas can be that for us.  It is often hard to see the beauty of the season when all that's in front of us is broken messy and anything but joyful.  

It's in this place that I remind myself of the perfect gift The baby who came wrapped in mercy and grace. The baby who came to redeem and prepare. The baby who came to bring joy out of our chaos. The baby who came to remind us how to love beyond our abilities.  

The baby who came to restore the broken and messy. 

So my focus can be the broken messy  distractions or it can be on the grace and mercy that is wrapped so beautifully in the season called Christmas.  In the baby who came and looked past time and space to bring redemption and grace. 

I was sitting with a friend the other day and we were talking about the different love languages that we have.  I told her that one of mine is time.  I love having those small moments over a cup of coffee or a meal.  Sharing life and dreams and hope and encouraging words.  That I told her was a gift.  I gave her my time.  It cost me nothing but a cup of coffee. And we both left feeling a little more encouraged. 

I want more of those moments for 2016. I'm not necessarily making any resolutions.  I know I'm not good at keeping then. But if I can continue to see Jesus beyond my broken and often times messiness, than I will look for moments. Moments with people, moments with him. 

Moments just many more moments.  

Mentoring: Am I qualified?

Have you ever thought about mentoring someone?  Have you wondered if you have what it takes?  Did you realize that whether you know it or not, you are mentoring and you are being mentored.  

The good news is there is no wrong or right way.  Best of all, there is no formula.

Often for me, someone spoke into my life over a period of time.    Then on occasion it was just one conversation that was life changing.  

So ive been thinking about how mentoring has changed my heart, I remember as a young wife and mom, I was blessed to have several women around me who wisely and graciously spoke into my life.   

It was not programmed, it was mostly natural and organic.  I'm sure they didn't even know they were mentoring.  I guess when I was growing up, we didn't use the mentoring word like we do today.   

It was unstructured.   It was good.  But at times I longed for more.  

Now that I'm older I see younger women who are much like I was.   Often struggling to live well, love well and do their best to rise to the occasions.   I really understand.  

But I admit I tend to question my ability to walk with others.  Do I have what it takes?  

Can I walk with someone when I've never walked their walk?   When I've never experienced their kind of pain? 

When I can't relate to their struggle or situation? 

The answer I believe is yes.  

Even in the midst of your "not knowing".  Even in the midst of your own pain.  

It's a big yes. 

I love mentoring, loving and speaking into young women today.  Living life, loving in spite of.   I don't have to have answers.  Because quite frankly I dont.  I just try to listen well.  The opportunities come to speak into their hearts, often when I'm at my worst and least expect it.  

I've realized that mentoring is really about loving.  

So I ask myself am I qualified? 

You are qualified:

when you're humble. 

when you stumble. 

when you're a servant.  

when you're  broken, 

when you're listening. 

when you're not enough. 

when your heart is open. 

when you question yourself. 

when you love broken people. 

when you feel you can't relate. 

When you step out in faith.  

When you believe God is working behind the scenes. 

When you believe God is big.  

When you believe God can do extraordinary things.  

When you trust in His abilities not your own.   

It's not about me and what I desire for someone else.  But what does God want for them?

He provides the growth and the wisdom and the direction.  I'm just his gardener.  I may plant or I may water.  But God does the growing.  It's his job.  And its in His timing.  I'm thankful for that.  

There are times I may feel that I fhaven't come close to getting it right.  But it's in that place that God reminds me.   I'm refining you.   

So don't be discouraged.  

He takes your act of love and obedience and He sometimes passes it through the fire.  He says I'm deepening you.  I'm extending your roots, so they can go deeper still.   

All He asks is that our focus to be on Him. 

So today I'm grateful to those lives that I've been able to speak into and to many women who continue to speak into my life.   They have played the roll of mentor to me even when they didn't know.  What a gift we give each other.   

We need both, to be mentored and to 

mentor.  It's a beautiful lifestyle.  

So go love and mentor someone.  They will thank you later.  So will Jesus.  

1 Corinthians 3:7

So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow.

A few of my mentors!  We have been meeting for over a decade.  For that im grateful.  They are My hallelujahs! 

Were you brave or did you cry?

I am ignited by stories and journeys and paths.  I love the ones that are different. I appreciate people who are not afraid to live brave.  To live inside out.  But I find I'm often fearful. 

Sometimes when I write, my inner critic comes to the surface.  I start to write, but then I question that thought.  Don't write that.  I fear.  

Writing I've heard is a place to bleed.   So I sometimes bleed my thoughts.  Thankful I have thoughts to bleed. 

Somedays I have way more questions than answers.  The answers don't come like I want them to.  But I love that God is using the broken parts of my life along with the parts that are somewhat put together.  

My 3 year old granddaughter asked me a question the other day.   She said "Ama, were you brave or did you cry?  I think maybe Ellie was learning her own lessons on being brave.  But she was also teaching me.  

It made me look at my steps of faith.  My steps of courage.  When we enter onto Jesus path we find that it's mostly opposite of what we've probably thought.  

When I think I deserve an "I'm sorry" Jesus says "just forgive......seventy times  seven."  Really. That's a lot.  

When I want to hear a "thank you."  He says wake up each day with a grateful heart anyway.  It's ok if you never hear those words. 

I remember as a stay at home mom.   I longed to hear the words "your doing a great job.  You are raising awesome kids!    You can do it."  

I guess a cheerleader would have been great on those days that seemed to never end.  Those days of doubt and fear that I'm messing them up.  

But that didn't always happen.  No cheerleader showed up at my front door.  At least not at the moments I thought I needed one. 

It takes courage every day.  Were you brave or did you cry?   As we talked, Ellie and I, we realized its ok if you cry.  You're still brave!  Maybe being brave and courageous look different than we thought. 

Maybe it's about waiting patiently.  Maybe it's finding grace in the dark.  Maybe it's about seeing the small graces that inhance our lives every day. 

Maybe it's listening to a little child who asks a thousands questions.  Maybe it's being ok when I don't get what I think I deserve.  

And maybe it's about being someone's cheerleader. When they least expect it.  

Psalm 27:14Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous.  Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.

I pray, "Lord, let us walk with courage.  Let us live inside out like you.  Let us wait patiently for you."

Ellie.  My little teacher. 

Lessons from the back of a motorcycle

We took off on a 8 day trip on our Harley into the mountains of Tennessee and North Carolina.  We wore layers for the brisk autumn chill.  

The sun was glorious and the sky was a Caribbean blue.  The days had a beautiful crispness to them like taking a bite out of a tart apple. 

As we traveled along the masterpiece of beauty and color, His creative works did not go unnoticed. 

The autumn colors were Gods beautiful palette.  I felt more than once that we were riding into an artists autumn painting.  

As we passed through the mountain valleys our eyes couldn't help but look up. Our gaze was always drawn to the top. 

The road was edged in stately trees beckoning our adoration.  The majestic mountains were unnumbered with miles of mountain peaks layered in brilliant shades of blue.  

I was learning that I needed to keep looking up.  Each day was an invitation to be amazed.   We even spotted an eagle circling the tops of the trees.  

God would remind me this is what I want you to do everyday.   Looking upwards is a daily lesson.  When I'm looking up and leaning in, I'm strengthened by grace. 

The journey became my place of grace. 

As I found my eyes in an upward gaze my heart kept calling me to worship.  It didn't matter.....worship came easy, a place to say thank you. A place for a grateful heart.  

It seemed I'd been to church.  

We were on a road that had so many bends and turns that my hands gripped tightly as I struggled to relax.  I was learning with each bend in the road that I had to trust.  I had to trust my driver.  I was totally dependent on my husbands motorcycle skills.  Thankfully they were very good.   

With every bend I had to lean when he leaned.  We never knew what we'd find around each curve.  But it was more lessons for me.  

There would be new reminders each day to trust.  It was with each bend in the blacktop that I would remind myself of the many blessings that I had. 

I think I may have even heard the chorus of "how great thou art" through the roar of the motorcycle. 

The things you learn on the back of a motorcycle. 

Lean in.

Look up.

Trust.

Be amazed.

Have a grateful heart.

Yes. I'd been to church. 

First we have coffee.

For some reason. I woke up this morning missing my mom.  I haven't felt that sting in a while. She's been gone 3 years now.  But I think about her pretty much everyday. Usually it's with a heart of celebration.

Today was different.  I felt a sadness. I wanted so desperately to call her.  I just wanted to unload.  I needed a landing place for my struggles and frustrations. 

This morning I felt i had no place to land my pain.

Her and my dad were my strong towers. It was in the many crazy, tough moments I would call them.  They would show up in person. Or at least in prayer.  I always knew I could rely on them and their prayers for me.  

They loved to be a part of our busy lives in even the smallest of ways.  

Mom carried a heart of grace with her. Especially for her 4 kids. She was my quiet tower of strength.  She wiped my tears more than anyone.  She was my landing place.  

Although today I know she's not able to answer her phone.  But I begin to unload anyway. I know God can handle my frustrations. My brokenness. My heart that hurts.  

He becomes my landing place.  My grace place.  I unload and he doesn't judge me. He wraps his grace arms around my heart and soul.   I need the comfort.  

I feel the grace, like it was my mom.  She offered grace more than anyone I knew.  

I stop for a few minutes at a little cafe.  This place reminds me of her.  My Norwegian influence is represented here. I sit with my coffee.   My moms motto. First we have coffee.  So I take a few sips. I feel moms grace arms.  They belong to the one who's grace is sufficient.  

As tears stream down my face I'm trying to listen to the spirit speak.  I glance over into the corner of the cafe.  I see a beautiful couple in their golden years bowing in prayer.  I cannot hear their prayer.  But I feel it.  It's a beautiful reminder of my mom and dad's prayers for me.  My grace place!  

I sense grace arms wrapping me in that moment.  My heart rejoices.  I realize my grace place becomes filled with his presence.  I try and wipe my tears.  But I think it's ok to cry.  Tears are refreshing.  

I'm learning that he never wastes our pain.  He uses it for his glory.  He still uses my moms heart of grace in me.  She reminded me without words how to offer grace to others.  Even when it seems impossible.  His grace is enough. I'm enough. 

First we have coffee.  Drinking in His grace.  

Thanks mom!!  

Grace, for someone else.

Grace takes it's place in our lives.  It's often we become grace to someone else.  I'm always surprised by that.

Surprised by grace. 

I think for most of my life I've doubted His grace. I really doubted that he would use my small offerings.  That he would choose me.  I'm soft and broken. I'm not always faithful.  I don't see beyond my small world.  I only think about my failures.  I fail and I think ive just ruined everything.  I doubt a lot.  

Fear gets a strangle hold on my heart.  I'm often crippled.  

I begin to see Jesus use my failure.  

I can't believe it.  It makes me love Him more.  

The last few months have been a beautiful constant surprise of grace. 

I've had more opportunities than ever before.  But I wonder did I get it right. Than He steps in and says. I've already  got it right for you.  I'm perfect so you don't have to be.  Our failures become his strength. 

I've had many holy moments.  Beautiful holy moments.  I've had the privilege to share my story.  Gods story.  The place where grace grows me.  My grace place.

Learning as I share life with broken women.  They grow me. Their lives intersect with mine.  We all are changed. It's all grace.  He begins to strengthen my home built by grace.  Moment by moment. Grace upon grace. 

My grace story deepens when I jump in the pit with someone.  Why God do you want me to jump in?   Fear grips my heart. But I know it's the right thing to do.  But I question him, "are you sure I'm the one."  I can think of a hundred better choices. 

The pit is ugly and deep. It seems far away from where God is. I wonder if He see us in this place.  I feel insignificant.  I pray a lot. I begin to think that I know less and less.  God strips away all of my devices that I try to use.  Than I feel his arms.  Grace shows up. 

My friend offers me wisdom.  She says what are three things you like about yourself?  Ummm I can't think of a one.  I wonder if I even like myself.  Why would I?  I see my failures and mistakes and my broken stuff.  I only see weakness instead of strength.   I fail to look at my worth.  I wonder if others struggle with that.  

I feel bad I can't answer her question.  She than answers for me.  She has a long list for me.  But I'm blind to that.  Than I realize God used her to remind me.  Grace takes it's place.  

While I'm in the pit with someone. I put my grace arms around them.  He gives me grace arms for the moment.  I begin to feel strong.  I feel their pain. It changes me.   I see grace in a new way.  I know he's in the pit with us.  His significance changes me.  I pray it changes them. 

We live life together.  We share our broken places.  We grow together.  Our hearts mingle. God smiles. I smile. We begin to heal.  We heal together.  Grace changes us. I'm glad he lets me be a part of their lives.   

When i reach out to them, I sense God is doing the work.  Im glad God has called me beyond my abilities.  I remember He doesn't call the equipped but he equips the called.   I experience grace.  Those holy moments change me.  

I'm reminded that when I'm weak I am strong.  He didn't give up on me.  I won't give up either.  

There is not a better place to live.  I'm so glad that I've been able to experience the rhythm of Gods grace.  

Marbles, marriage, and Gods grace !

It was in the early 60's,  I was playing on the playground behind a 2 room school house.  I remember the day well, because it was my birthday.  I was turning 7 years old.  It was a cool but sunny day in March.

A cute little boy walked up to me that morning. We had been playing marbles.   Everyone carried their drawstring bags filled with colorful marbles.  Those were proud moments as we challenged one another to marble games.

I looked up and this little boy stood holding his hand out.  He handed me 7 of his bright and shiny marbles.  Representing my turning 7 that day.  I noticed in his hand he only had 5 left.  He wished me a happy birthday.  

I remember taking the marbles and slipping then into my little drawstring bag. I think I was taken back, but my 7 year old marble loving self was happy to have a new friend.  

He gave me more than half of what he had. 

That afternoon I told my mom that a little boy on the playground had given me 7 marbles for my birthday.  I told her that he liked me,  In fact I said I think he's in love with me.  I thought my Mom was going to die on the spot.  All she could say was "oh my goodness it's already begun."  

I was 7. 

Yes it had begun, this little boy who shared his 7 marbles with me, would become my husband. 

He would pursue that little blonde haired girl for the next 12 years.  She finally said yes.  She wasn't so quick to see a future but he sure did.  He never stopped pursing her.  

He still pursues me today.

We have been married now 39 years.  I'm thankful for a man who never stops loving me.  

I think a lot about love that pursues.  

Altho we have had our share of struggles, mistakes, failures, arguments, pain and loss.  Love wins. Grace wins. 

I realize when I have no answers to the broken things in our lives.  God speaks and says "choose love."   Love always wins.  He conquers with a love that knows no boundaries.  

I'm still learning a lot today.  Altho I get it wrong many times.  Grace has become our landing place. 

I don't want to miss those holy moments.  

It's often messy and complicated.  Often answers don't come. Understanding is sometimes far away.  

But I've learned a few things along the way.  That is, when I choose grace mingled with love, we both win. 

Marbles brought us together.   Grace continues to do it's work.  While love covers the rest.  

July 31st 1976 

March 23rd 1964

A dream repurposed.

I remember when I first became a parent,  I was just 21 years old.  I wondered how life could get any better.  I was in love with the hopes and dreams of starting a family. Even though it was overwhelming at times I knew I was born for this.  Motherhood for me came fairly easy.

We would have 4 children in 13. 6 years.   We spread out our family.  I often wondered why we did that.   Quite often I thought I'd be raising kids into eternity.   It certainly wasn't as easy as it looked. 

But we were living in many ways the American dream.  Successful business, a beautiful home, a growing family.  I was grateful and blessed. 

God would continue to bless us as we watched our son Justin marry Stefanie and begin their journey together.   

Soon Jayden would bound into our lives like a little bulldozer.  He was full of smiles and energy.   

He would change our names to Ama and Bubba.   We loved our new title.  Life was wonderful and we relished in this little boy.  He changed our lives.

A few years later Jaydens little sister would capture our hearts.  Brooklyn's beautiful blonde curls and blue sparkly eyes would melt everyone in her presence.  The blessings seemed to overflow. 

But life changed dramatically as we watched the hopes and dreams that Justin and Stefanie had for their family come crashing down.   A diagnosis of Sanfiippo syndrome would puncture what we thought was a blessed life.  

Those were painful days as we all landed with our faces in the dirt.  We would literally bury Jayden and Brooklyn's future.  Sanfilippo syndrome a severe disorder offered a very short life.   The painful words that followed made little sense and were painful to process. 

This was not a part of my dreams for my family.  I had no place for this pain.  I would break beyond what I thought I could handle.

I wanted to rescue my kids and their pain.  Isn't that what parents do.  But I couldn't even navigate my own.  It was more than I could manage.  

No where in my simple dreams did I ever give room for pain or suffering especially when it came to my grandbabies.  

Where is that avenue to navigate?   I couldn't see one in front if me. 

My dad would pass away at this time as well.  It felt as though God was stripping me away.  My hero in the faith and favorite prayer warrior was gone.  Now at the most painful time of my life, the one I depended on was not there. 

I knew this burden was way too heavy for me to carry.   I sensed in that moment God repurposing my life.  I would begin to see Sanfilippo syndrome as a picture of grace.  It took time.  

The hand of God was evident as I watched Justin and Stefanie step out in faith and learn to navigate a very difficult path with special needs children. They inspired us as we struggled to make sense of this new journey.

Grace quickly became my place to bury my sadness and grow my faith.   Grace would iuminate meaning in a dark hallway.

God over time began to redeem my own pain.  He began to open up my heart to a new passion.  He's given me a deep love for broken people.  

But had Sanfilippo not entered my life. I would never have been able to do what God has called me to today.  Jayden and Brooklyn's diagnosis was the foundation to which God would show us how to give grace to others and help them see their own repurposed dreams. 

He is repurposing all of our pain  day by day as we walk along side of broken people. 

We stumble onto each other's paths. 

Sometimes we cry and bleed and laugh.   

He calls me beyond my capabilities to shine himself so others can see.  But he is the one who equips.  

It's often clumsy, messy and broken. But  

God in his plan has shown us his grace brick by brick.  Through the filter of Sanfilippo syndrome, I'm able to love beyond my imagination. 

He continues to remind me of the blessings of repurposed dreams.  It was his plan all along.  

Brooklyn. Our sweet bee!! With a smile that melts everyone in her presence.  

Jayden. At work. Our sweet beautiful boy!! 

The prayer I almost didn't pray!

I remember as a little girl growing up, hearing my parents praying.  I would often wake in the early morning to their prayers wafting in my room.  Many times I saw them on their knees.  They were prayer warriors.  I thought this was normal.

 I often wonder today if those prayers they prayed for me have been  somehow stored up for my life today. 

I can't say I carried on their prayer warrior habits so well.  

A few months ago I found myself saying a prayer tho that caught me by surprise.  I felt the sting of fear come over me.  I hesitated and wanted to think about all the ramifications first before I prayed. 

Maybe today wasn't the right day.  Maybe I should pray differently, not that prayer.  Prayers sometime scare me.   I fear the uncertain.  Although we've had plenty of uncertainty.

But I also wondered if maybe God might answer. And I knew I was ill equipped.   

My faith was weak and I knew it.  

I remember sitting in church that morning It wasn't clear to me of the significance of this prayer.  But as I prayed that morning, I prayed with new hope.  Maybe for the first time God said your ready.  

Because I know we're always being prepared for something new.  

Gods purposes prevail when the door of our heart swings wide open. 

I have seen God work in our lives in the last few years through the brokenness we'd experienced.   We would certainly say we'd received many blessings. But there were still many unanswered prayers.  I know there will always be unanswered prayers.

I have seen Gods grace.   Grace would show up in unexpected ways. Like in our 2 grandchildren Jayden and Brooklyn who have Sanfilippo syndrome.  God would remind me day after day that his grace resides in the broken. 

 I wanted to run to the broken. I wanted to experience grace. 

I would see grace in a scrabble tile.  He would take a small offering I had and increase it beyond my wildest dream.  That scrabble tile equaled $10,000.00 toward a beautiful home for Jayden and Brooklyn. 

Grace would again be apparent in a precious young woman who came and lived with us.  She came with a lot of pain and struggle.   I would be reminded again Gods grace is most recognized in our lives when we entertain the broken.  

Maybe sometimes we jump in the pit along side of them.  Because for some reason God had shown us the way out and we now knew the direction.  

God keeps reminding me that grace isn't  about us getting it right.  But it's more about our mess and brokenness that God takes and redeems to use in unexpected ways.

As I felt this prayer sweep over me,  It was a combination of things that led me to pray a new prayer.   

Bob Goff was speaking at our church.   I had just finished reading his book Love Does, it was perfect timing in my life.  I went believing that God was going to speak. 

My prayer was simple. Not complicated I just prayed "open my eyes Lord to the broken people around me.  Let me see them in a new way."  We had been surrounded by brokenness and we certainly had experienced our share.

I heard a whisper that said you need to hear peoples stories.  They need to hear your story.  They need to know that their stories matter.  

Sometimes God calls us to stumble onto each other's paths.   So that we can bleed with each other. 

I felt an affirmation that morning when Bob spoke that I hadn't ever felt before.  Sometimes we just need to be told that we can do it.  For me it was go love people who are broken like me. 

Bob also would remind us "you already know enough!  What's stopping you."

I had been sensing for sometime a restlessness in my spirit.  I had been wafting about with this prayer, but this day it changed for me.  

Thanks Bob for being the conduit to remind me to love differently.  That love does things. 

I'm glad God chose to unsettle me that morning.  I know now that it was the right time to pray that prayer. 

I had always believed the lie thinking  I would never know enough for God to use me.  Somehow I needed more knowledge.  That somehow perfection came into play.  And I knew I was far from that.  Perfection seeking completely crippled me. It kept me from doing things. 

No more perfection!  Just stumble onto one another's paths. Let God use our messes and imperfections and broken stuff.  

Pray the prayer that unsettles. You never know how God will change your life.  

 Like Bob says go love someone.  You know enough.   It may change your life.  It did mine.  Amen.