Surprised by grace

I shared these words Sunday night at our church Harvest Banquet.  I thought I would share them here as well.   

As most of you know, this has been a very difficult year for our family. The words that I would use to describe this past year would be words like ~ brokenness, pain, struggle, darkness, sadness, even despair. Most of you know our story, but for those of you who don’t know me, let me just share, that in October 2009 our grandbabies Jayden and Brooklyn, who were ages 3 years and 3 months at the time, were diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder called Sanfilippo. It is a severe disorder. Our grandbabies will only live into their 2nd decade of life. They will lose all their abilities, and will not be able to walk or talk and in their final stage of life they will be fed through a feeding tube. And there is no cure or treatment. Those were the words that we heard one year ago. Those words would break our hearts. Those words would change our lives. Our journey had begun and it would be a journey of brokenness.

As I walked through those first few days and weeks I wondered “where was God?” and was God still good?” My faith would be shaken to its core. I struggled to help hold my son Justin and daughter in law Stefanie’s broken hearts. But it would be more than this mother’s heart could hold. I realized that this burden was too much for me to carry and I learned when you are in a broken and painful place the only place you can look is up. God reminded me that He was the great burden bearer.

I began to plead with God to show up in our lives. At first He began to show us Himself through the body of Christ. Our family and friends would show up in our lives in many different ways and they would uphold us in prayer over and over and over again. We were reminded often that people were praying. It was often that people would share with us with tears streaming down their face. I realized much later, that those tears that they shed for us were a gift from God and that gift began to heal our broken hearts You see the people of God were Jesus in the flesh to us.

As most of you know my heart would again break when my Dad passed away in January 2010. I didn’t think that my heart could handle being broke again. More pain, sadness, more darkness, but again God began showing himself faithful in those moments as well. You see I was learning that God is close to the brokenhearted. This wonderful promise found in Psalm 34:18 would become the anthem for my soul ~ “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and He saves those who are crushed in spirit”. Yes that was me and my family….broken and crushed!

I had read a quote in a little book called “Come away my Beloved” “that Jesus comes walking on the waters of the sorrows of our lives. Yes, above the sounds of the storm you will hear his voice calling your name.” So I began to listen, because He had my attention.

I began seeking Him in a new way and He began to show me what I would call treasures in the darkness. God’s word became a wonderful place of healing and source of strength. God began to whisper into my heart “Be still and know that I am God. I began to listen for His voice and I began to recognize it. Verse after verse would begin to flood my soul like torrential rain. In Deut. 32:2 it says “Let my teaching fall like rain and my words descend like dew, like showers on new grass, like abundant rain on tender plants.” That’s what God’s word began to do in me.

As God began healing my brokenness, I realized that the pain would never go away, but that God would instead use the pain in a new way in my life. As I’ve begun to sift through the difficulties and the ashes of this past year, I realized that I had been surprised by grace. I had found treasures in the darkness. In Isaiah 45:2 ~ it says “I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the Lord the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” I began to hear His voice above the sounds of the storm calling my name. The promises of God would take my brokenness and show me blessings!

God was also showing me His grace in many new ways. It seemed as though God was offering me a gift and this gift would be new eyes to see, a new heart to love, a new mind to understand. Yes, it would come in the form of a severe mercy but His mercy was in the form of a beautiful, blonde haired, blue eyed boy named Jayden and a beautiful, golden haired little girl named Brooklyn. Who even if they only live a short life, their lives will not be in vain but will have caused my life to be changed and I know many others.

Our family has claimed a wonderful and powerful verse this past year ~

Zephaniah 3:17 ~ The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing

His word promises that He is mighty to save, that just might look different than what we thought.

Yes, my journey is of brokenness and blessing, I’ve found treasures in the darkness, and I’ve been surprised by grace and I will never be the same.